I Don't Like Lollipops
by Moonlite Knight
Summary: Fairies, demons, mafia, the local police. Artemis Fowl can outwit them all. His lastest foe, however, is another story. Farce story! That means comedy!


_**This is just an idea that I had at a random time during the day. So I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget. It's a one-shot.**_

_**I'll warn you right now, it's weird. (But please read and review) **_

_Disclaimer: I declare that I do not own Artemis Fowl, and that's the truth!_

**I Don't Like Lollipops**

Artemis Fowl II was _not _enjoying himself.

It was true that he had the highest IQ of any individual, fairy or human that he had ever come in contact with, but really. Every time the world was in danger of being dominated by fairy turned human maniacs or invaded by dimension traveling demons, it was he who had to save humanity, whether he wanted to or not.

Granted that he was probably the only one who could and it was certainly better than doing Calculus homework, but still, why him?

Artemis could not help but sigh moodily as he swiftly overrode the complex programming of the computer connected to the device that was set to turn all humans, animals, and any living other organisms with the ability of free thought into mindless zombies in 6 minutes and 4 seconds …

...3 seconds…

...2 seconds…

He hacked into the computer's files and clicked on the one that he needed. Artemis frowned looking at the heading of file,"To Stop The Mind Control Ray, Obey the Following Orders"

_Is it just me,_ he thought, scanning the first paragraph of the file. _Or were the villains getting dumber?_

Maybe he was just getting smarter at foiling their carefully planned out schemes. Yeah, that was probably it. After all, practice makes perfect.

"Artemis, aren't you done yet?" Holly snapped as she ducked a couple of water balloons thrown her way by a pair of mind-controlled chimpanzees.

Actually, the objects being flung around were not technically water balloons as they were filled with a liquid that, with any contact with bare skin, converted the owner of the skin unto a mindless zombie. Therefore, it's quite understandable that Holly would be trying her best to dodge these seemingly harmless children's playthings instead of assisting with the dissembling of the ray that was about to the whole population into mindless zombies.

In Holly's opinion, the Mud Men wouldn't even be able to tell the difference, they were all nearly clones anyway, dictated by their fashion industry. Right now, she knew that the one Mud Boy who was their only chance, whether she admitted or not. And she would _not_ admit it. Aloud anyway. Within hearing distance of any creature, especially that egotistical boy genius. If his head swelled up any further, the earth would by in danger of falling out of orbit by the extra weight.

Artemis ducked his head slightly to avoid a stray water balloon. "I would be faster if I didn't have to dodge a water balloon every minute."

Holly managed to scowl while dodging another balloon. She was doing her best, but apparently the boy genius just couldn't appreciate her efforts.

"You do your job and I'll do mine."

Artemis sighed again, his fingers flying blurs as he proceeded to disable the ray. "No one appreciates genius anymore."

Mulch snickered as he ducked his head out from under the table he was hiding under. "Yeah, especially when there are so many mini geniuses running around now."

"The proper term is 'genii.'" No. 1 said, gazing at a painting on the pall, oblivious to the chaos around him.

Or perhaps he wasn't entirely oblivious since every water balloon thrown his way mysteriously changed its course just as it was about to make contact with him. Yet, No 1 never appeared to move a muscle.

Artemis gritted his teeth as he typed in the password. "Minerva does _not_ possess a higher IQ than I."

Holly grinned. Never let it be said that she let a chance to taunt the adolescent genius pass by. "You forget, Artemis, Minerva is female and females are naturally smarter than males. There were quite a few studies done on that subject several years back."

"That may be true for fairies, but it is _not_ for the human population." Artemis countered as he succeeded in breaking through the last firewall.

But it wasn't the last firewall. Bright red words appeared across the computer screen.

Possible intruder detected. Following security measure # 56554767

"Uh oh." Artemis whispered.

Unfortunately Holly's all too sensitive ears heard him. "'Uh oh'? What's that supposed to mean? Artemis! What did you do?"

"I don't like the sound of that," Mulch muttered from under the dubious safety of the table. "I _really_ don't like the sound of that."

_VOMSSH! _

The chimps screeched as the floor underneath them suddenly began to shake ominously. Holly grabbed the nearest thing to her in order to stop herself from falling head over heels. Unfortunately, for her, it was Artemis.

"Artemis, if we survive this, I swear I'm going to murder you," she said through gritted teeth as she gripped Artemis around the waist.

Artemis didn't answer as he had turned a peculiar green and red color.

_KERFLASH!_

In the center of the room, a tile rose, revealing a small platform on which a metal box was placed.

_SHOOSH!_

Steam rushed out from under the platform when it stooped rising at shoulder height with Holly. The ground ceased its shaking but no one moved. Expect Holly that is. She took a step forward, only to be stopped by Artemis.

"What are you doing? We need to—"

"_You_ need stop being such a control freak Artemis." Holly snapped back as she shook off his hand.

She proceeded towards the box, whose lid rose as she neared. Curiosity getting the best of him, Artemis followed her. There, in the box, on top a note card was a horrible, stunning, crimson lollipop.

Holly picked it up.

"What are we supposed to do with this?" she asked no one in particular, though fully expecting Artemis to answer.

When he failed to do so, she turned to look to see if he was not in any sort of danger. Artemis never missed a chance to show just how intellectually advanced he was compared to her. Artemis was currently staring at the note card with something a kin to horror on his face.

"What is it?" Holy asked, curious to know what could have broken Artemis's usually cool composure so suddenly. Perhaps the minor earthquake had unsettled him more than she had originally thought.

Artemis simply handed the note card to her.

"'Eat the lollipop to deactivate the ray.' Wow, these guys sure are making it easy for us to stop them," she said, looking at Artemis and expecting him to agree.

To her surprise he didn't.

"I will not eat that," he said instead, in a slightly strained voice.

"Good idea," Mulch said, finally coming out from under the table. "I bet you it's poisoned."

"Poisoned, lethal, toxic." No 1 said continuing to gaze at the paintings.

Holly ignored them all, keeping her eyes on Artemis's face. The mudboy was eyeing the lollipop in a way that indicated something else, something like… A slow smirk appeared on Holly's lips as she remembered what Artemis had once said regarding lollipops.

"You eat it Artemis." She said in a sickly sweet voice, offering the lollipop to him. She wasn't surprised when he declined immediately.

"No, no, it's fine. Holly you can eat it."

"But I can't do that," she continued in the same tone of voice, ignoring Mulch's snickers. "After all the work you did, I can't take away your chance to once again be the hero."

She batted her eyelashes at him.

Artemis was becoming more and more unsettled. He was now desperately wishing that Butler were here to save him instead of holding off armies of gorillas some floors above.

He took a deep breath. "Why, Holly, it's only fair that the credit is shared. You can eat the lollipop and be the hero this time."

Holly raised an eyebrow. "No, I'd rather that you eat it."

"I'll eat it." Mulch offered, before diving back under the table to escape Holly's glare.

No one was going to ruin her fun.

"Excuse me if I don't think that saving the word is worth a mouthful of cavities." Artemis replied, annoyed at the fuss. He was offering her a chance to be the hero this time. Why couldn't she just agree and leave him alone?

"That's not it," Holly replied, making no effort to hide her amusement.

"I just do not like lollipops." Artemis replied, feeling an odd sense of déjà vu.

"Why?" No 1 asked curiously, now paying attention to the conversation.

Artemis hesitated. Maybe next time he got a call to help save the world, he'd just say he was busy doing his Calculus homework and leave the world to fend for itself.

"I had an unfortunate encounter with lollipops as a child." He winced at the memory. "Look, I just do not like lollipops, all right?"

Holy grinned.

Oh, she would tease him about this forever, but right now…

…11 second…

…10 seconds…

…9 seconds…

The timer had continued to run while they argued. She would tease him later after she had ensured that they all would be around with their own wills.

Holly popped the lollipop into her mouth and grinned.

"Mmmm, my favorite."

_**So what**_ _**do you think? Please review and give your feedback. You can say that it's weird, because, really, it is. I'll only be offended and distraught if you say that in a mean way :)**_


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